I have not laughed this hard in ages...

Vin Diesel is...

God.


Vin Diesel invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.

Vin Deisel's blood is a cure for all disease.

Vin Diesel can change the color of his eyes, but only to match the eye color of the last person he killed.

The only substance known to cut Vin Diesel is another Vin Diesel.

The Diary of Anne Frank was acutally based on Vin Diesel's life story. Only the ending was different. In real life, Vin kicked the shit out of the Nazis and went on to fight Robo-Hitler in a daring lightsaber battle.

Have you ever seen Superman and Vin Diesel in the same room? No. Because Vin Diesel IS Superman!

Vin Diesel is reloading this site as you read this.

When Vin Diesel turned 10, he was caught masturbating to a phone book... he told his mother "the number 9 is the weirdest looking number ever..."

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel is the only correct answer in Jepoardy that is not required to be in the form of a question.

Vin Diesel can get from the entrance of an airport to his seat in five minutes.

The Great Depression was actually caused when Vin Diesel forgot to sign one of his checks.

Vin Diesel and Casper Van Diem are actually a superhero team that only fights crime in Toledo, Ohio between the 1:33pm and 4:39pm. Only 5 people in the free world know the reason for this.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence

Vin Diesel has had sex only once, but his single night of passion spawned the entire population of New Guinea.

It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes

Vin Diesel is actually a complex mathematical equation that manifests itself in the form of pure awesome. any attempt to solve this equation for any variable represented in it yields numbers that can only occur in 11 dimensions, and also swift murder.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Once Vin Diesel played chicken with an 18-wheeler. Neither chickened and the remnants of the truck are on Vin Diesel's keychain.

Vin Diesel's personality was once described in an article as being "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." In response to this, Vin invaded Poland.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel once conducted an experiment in which he ate a ream of paper, washed it down with Alphaghetti, and shit out a dictionary.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

Vin Diesel knows a word that rhymes with 'purple', but can't tell anyone for copyright reasons.

Vin Diesel's semen is the cure for aids. Ask Magic Johnson.

Vin Diesel can make food out of spam.

Vin Diesel doesn't count it as rape if you survive.

When Vin Diesel drinks beer, everyone around him gets drunk.

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, Vin Diesel hears it.

Vin Diesel solo'ed the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944. In his triumph they dubbed it D-Day.

Vin Diesel owns 3 dogs, 2 cats, and Regis Philbin.

"We're Going To Be Friends" by The White Stripes is actually an ancient Babylonian folk song recounting the childhoods of Vin Diesel and Gilgamesh.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel is the Final Megaman Boss.

Vin Diesel is the reason Stephen Hawking is in a wheelchair.

Vin Diesel has great power without great responsibility.

If a train leaves Chicago at 5:00, traveling 40 miles per hour, and another train leaves Kansas City at 4:00, traveling 60 miles per hour, neither will arrive in New York before Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel put the "p" in "raspberry", just to prove that he could.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Vin Diesel a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-fuck your daughter.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" When Bruce Willis stole it from him, Vin Diesel killed him with a poison-arrow frog. This is the prologue to The Sixth Sense.

Vin Diesel donated to 4chan.

Vin Diesel fucked his own mother, and that's how he was born.

Vin Diesel does not obey the laws of conservation.

Vin Diesel wrote the Torah one morning after he had a particularly weird dream.

Vin Diesel doesn't love Raymond.

There have been many theories as to what would happen if Vin Diesel had himself cloned and fought with his clone. The most accepted theory is that as the Vin Diesels charged at each other there would be a flash of light and all you would see is two dead Vin Diesels and two living Vin Diesels. The two living Vin Diesels would then put aside their differences and enslave the world.

Vin Diesel once engaged in a highly-publicized war of words with English political theorist John Stuart Mill during the summer of 1869, concerning the state of the British monarchy. The resulting essays, letters, and debate transcripts were the basis for the screenplay of the film "Universal Soldier." Mr. Diesel would later turn down a starring role in the film because, quote, "Dolph Lungren ain't shit."

All of our bases are belong to Vin Diesel.

Diesel in the mornin', Diesel in the evenin', Diesel at suppertime! When Vin Diesel's on a bagel, he will kill you.

Vin Diesel does NOT have to travel 88 miles per hour to get back to the future, he simply walks there.

Vin Diesel is the underlying moral to Akira.

Unlike Rumplestilskin, if you say Vin Diesel's name three times aloud, he will massacre your family with a sponge.

Solid Snake, Frodo Baggins, Abraham Lincoln, and Vin Diesel teamed up to fight communazi furries. Obviously, Vin's team won, but only because furries, communists, and nazis instantly explode when they move within 15 feet of Vin. Since they were all three, they exploded 3 times with three times the force.

When Vin Diesel was in the 5th grade he gave a piano recital in front of his entire school. As he sat down to play, he proceeded to punch the piano in half, jump off the stage and had rough, passionate sex with his Biology teacher. He got a standing ovation.

If you say "Vin Diesel" five times into a mirror on a full moon he'll appear out of the shadows and sodomize you with a push broom. Your screams will echo through the night like a horrible symphony.

Vin Diesel spelled backwards is Vin Diesel.

If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.

Vin Diesel lost the Millenium Falcon to Lando Calrissian in a game of Counter Strike.

Vin Diesel is the one defending America from the metric system.

Vin Diesel created the god Quezecotyl when he locked a parrot and an iguana in a bedroom together and told the to 'wing it'

Vin Diesel has been shot twelve times in the back and skull with a .45 magnum rifle and walked it off.

Vin Diesel has never been seen in the same room as Santa.

Vin Diesel has just been added to the periodic table, as he is a pure element unto himself. The symbol for Vin Diesel is Vn, because Vd would've implied STDs. This is ironic because the bacteria in Vin Diesel's penis will instantly kill any STD and/or small mammal on contact.

On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Vin Diesel." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital.

In space, Vin Diesel can hear you scream.

When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

On the subject of emo kids, Vin Diesel has been known to say, "Food just doesn't taste as good when it kills itself."

Vin Diesel once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do.

Vin Diesel doesn't need to combine any powers to summon Captain Planet.

Anything Vin Diesel ever says is written in a book soon to be sent out called The Good Book, not to be confused with the Bible. TGB will be the ultimate tome of knowledge, wisdom, and kickassery. It will be so mind-blowingly amazing that one must read it from five miles away so that they may only suffer minor concussions.